The tears flow without much provocation

I did not mark this one with "Warning" because I suspect most of the readers are already braced today. What was a clear and bright sun-filled sky has become foggy and slightly overcast. I hope that does not last long. And I also hope Justin is across the bridge already and not in the fog while he is driving.

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Cindy was at church yesterday but after worship when we were hugging, I wanted to say something to her. She said, "Don't say anything!" We just smiled at each other, knowing each others minds and hearts so well, and left it unspoken. Last week she wrote such a lovely comment to a posting, telling about what the first weeks were like in her Sunday school class after Timmy died, how she let the kids ask questions and discuss what happened instead of following the curriculum. I suspect the kids learned a whole lot more those days and weeks than they will ever learn, more than they wanted to learn perhaps when their fellow member, another child, died so suddenly.

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Kathy and I had a conversation yesterday about grief and the rules thereof, and I am quick to say there are no rules, just go with it! Her daughter, now engaged to be married in April, had lost her first fiance to an accident a few years ago. Kathy was telling me how people, many of the them her daughter's friends, would tell Kelly to "get over it", and "move on". This was only months or weeks after he had died and they said "Move on." What exactly were they saying to Kelly? Were they saying those words to benefit Kelly? From my observations, not so much. In fact, people, and in her case, young people, simply are too uncomfortable, unskilled, in dealing with matters such as these. Sorrow and grief and loss truly do interfere with the "life goes on" mentality our culture has, and folks don't want to let their guard down around others, appear weak or emotional. Folks, I tell you again, there is nothing wrong with showing your feelings and expressing your grief, whether in private or in public. Many folks avoid the subject, saying they did not want to "upset" me ( or Kelly), when in fact, often, it is the speaker not wanting to be upset or show their feelings. Let's just skip along as though nothing has happened, and that is so unfair to the one experiencing the loss. I may be different than others, but I am willing to bet, not all that different. Lesson over.*

Last night at dinner with Brenda and Jimmie, we talked about a few things that made us laugh about Timmy. I recalled the time Jimmie was sitting at the conference room table, the first time Timmy had seen him without a cap on his balding head. Timmy was sitting on his dad's lap and asked him, "What happened to Jimmie's head?" It was also Jimmie's birthday that day and as we waited for the gang to assemble around the table to sing for him, I asked Timmy what song we should sing for Jimmie's birthday, assuming it would be the standard birthday song. Oh no, Timmy wanted to sing "Old MacDonald Had a Farm"!

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Jimmie recalled that Timmy referred to Brenda as being Jimmie's mama, which, for some reason, really tickled Jimmie's funny bone! We recalled how Timmy would dress himself in outlandish, mismatched outfits, pointing to the blue stripe in his shirt and the blue square on his plaid shorts and say, "See? Blue, blue!". As far as he was concerned, he had a match! One of our guys, Frank, used to ask, "Dress yourself today, Tim?", as it was obvious I had not picked the outfit. One of our members from church also worked for us in the office before leaving to be director of the preschool. One day, Rebecca brought in a bunch of suspenders and clip-on ties for Timmy because he loved them so much. On uniform day at school, Justin got to wear a dress shirt and tie, but Timmy had to wear his dress polo shirt----to which he clipped on a tie! I have that same shirt with a necktie attached in the memory box below his portrait in the hallway.

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One year for CHRISTmas we (Santa) got Timmy a bike, but it came unassembled. Another of our guys, Michael, got the dubious job of putting our childs' present together. Well, even though Timmy did not know Michaal had assembled the bike, he always asked Mike to put the chain back on or make the proper adjustment when something wasn't right.

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Another of our guys who used to work for us, Jim Hattaway, knew "Hurricane Hank" before he could even walk. In our old office, Jim would come in from the field and lift Timmy in his jump-up chair suspended in the doorway and would lift him wwaayy up with one hand, and let him drop. This brought great screams of delight from a previously bored infant. Jim only had so many of those in him though so the fun would soon stop. When Timmy learned to walk far too early, Jim's office and storage area was an easy mark for a little guy who loved to pull the covers off of boxes and strew the files around the room. That is why Jim, who never got mad, called him "Hurricane Hank". After Jim quit rather abruptly after a falling out with the boss, I didn't see or hear from him for a year. Finally he came back into my life and as I told my friends, "I can die now." I loved him and he loved me and my boys. At Timmy's funeral, Jim nearly passed out. It was hot, in January, and he had worn a white dress shirt with his suit, and the collar was so tight he could barely breathe. I told him he didn't have to wear that but he thought he should. The lady at the home inspection place where Jim then worked told me how hard Jim took the news about Timmy, and that she made dinner for him and hung out with him the first night, because he was so upset. I like knowing that about him, and about her.

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I am thankful to have a full day ahead of me, starting with Bible class and lunch with the church ladies. A good place to be. Justin is coming over here after work to do some vacuuming for us, because he works for his room and board, too, if you recall. And then we are going to have dinner at Taste Tomatoes. We have to go sort of early so I am home again to attend the Board of Directors meeting this evening. We are having an attorney come to help explain the new condo laws and such, and their affect on us as an Association. I am hoping that doesn't mean more money but I am guessing it will. Ugh! Life goes on........maybe not "moving on" but going on.........

Warning: Timmy's birthday

Before the sun came up, Lynx was pawing at my bedroom door to get out, seemingly could not muster the strength to pull it open herself. Reluctantly I threw off my covers to free her and got back under quickly. The TV station which had lulled me to sleep was not showing the normal fare for early morning, but instead had a movie on about a bait shop. Ugh! Where was "Becker" this morning??? He was the predecessor of "House", the original arrogant, cranky doctor. For a while I watched/listened to the Real Estate Channel to find out what is on the market these days but they were showing areas not close to mine so I switched to a home make-over show instead. There will not be much news watching these days because it is not good for my spirit.

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While watching the TLC program, a commercial came on for what seems to be an upscale Golden Corral, featuring bacon-wrapped steaks, pork, and chicken. Nice! Being that today would be Timmy's 13th birthday and marks the anniversary of his funeral, my thoughts automatically went that direction. When we lived in Waterford Landing, his father and I bought a used piano from a family in Eagle Harbor, and the men on our staff had the dubious pleasure of picking it up and delivering it to our house. Justin was the only one taking lessons at first but when Timmy was 4 1/2, he was getting lessons, as well. Oh, it was a nightmare taking him to lessons, mainly because I had to sit in the room with his teacher, Tatiana, and him. She was Russian with a strong accent and I could barely understand her, much less a headstrong child. It would be like Lucas running all over the field to grab the ground balls, even if they were not his for the picking...that is how Timmy wanted to play the piano. She would say, in her Russian accent, "Play black set keys, play black set keys" and he would hit whatever keys he wanted, all the while kicking against the piano as his feet hung down from the bench. The song he did learn to play, using the black set keys, was a scale to which he would sing, "Mommy, I love you" as he worked from left to right. My favorite song!

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When my then spouse and I took a reconciliation cruise in 2000 to the Mediterranean, we paid one of our employees to watch the kids after school and get them off in the mornings, etc. She also had to take them to piano lessons, and when we got back, Tatiana had fired Timmy, telling the babysitter, "You don't bring him here no more!" Of course, it was not her place to fire him, and the owner of the studio said he could come back. Tatiana went on a sabbatical or something and a different person took over trying to teach Timmy to play piano. It was grueling, absolutely grueling to sit in there, with me pinching and threatening all the while the teacher tried to get him to play. He had already announced to Tatiana, "I play it the way I want it!" Okay then! I had wanted his father to please take a turn going to piano lessons just to see how awful it was, but Timmy died before that ever happened. The studio refunded the money we had paid in advance for his music lessons, as Justin's teacher left for maternity reasons and we just never went back for more lessons. Neither boy was crazy about learning to play and after a point, I didn't care either.

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How does Golden Corral figure in here? Immediately across the street from Suzuki Music was what Timmy called "Golden Ral". Nearly every week when Justin, Timmy, and I would come out of music class, Timmy would say the immortal words, "I got it! Let's go to Golden Ral for supper! How's that sound?" Years before it was cool, my hair was standing up from the stress of his piano lessons and it was not even 5:00 yet, too early for supper.....Once in awhile we would do it but not as often as Timmy thought we should eat at Golden Ral. I was the only one bearing any ill-effects from the piano lesson, and Justin a little bit, too. I never had to pinch or threaten Justin in his lessons but his brother, yikes!

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Rarely do we go to eat at Golden Corral, the last times being with the Rosses when their kids' schools have a sponsored function or something. Buffets are not really cost effective for me, believe it or not, since I am usually good for one trip up and that's it. For a big working man or hungry teenager it works out better, but not so much for me. Today Justin and I will be going to Sweet Tomatoes, or as he called it "Taste Tomatoes", Timmy's other favorite place, on his birthday. It is a salad bar and soup buffet with the added bonus of pasta dishes, and his favorite, the chocolate brownie with ice cream and sprinkles.

A day of incredible proportions!

What a fabulous day today! Normally I expect Sundays to be this way and today was no exception. Since the Bible study is one which I already finished on Tuesday nights, I opted to stay home this a.m. and take care of a few other things. Upon arrival at church I put up the easel and bulletin board to post the announcement about the Ladies' Group brunch on the 7th of February.

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Worship was excellent and it was so great to see Lawcock's again, the first time since CHRISTmas. Paul told me on the phone yesterday he had been laid up for over a week due to kidney stones and, of course, we had a big laugh when I reminded him about Kramer passing his kidney stone while at the circus. Oh, how we laughed, even though poor Paul was having pain. He had already passed two of the three stones that were cursing him, and today he told me that right after talking to me, he passed the last of them! He said he wished he had talked to me a week ago to help him pass the stones sooner. Just another service I offer......

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After church, Kathy and I went to eat lunch together at Aron's Pizza because I was soooooooooo hungry for stromboli. We quit going there on Tuesdays because we had trouble making it to Bible study on time since they usually had only one waitress working. It was time for me to have a stromboli! Following lunch Kathy and I came here and set up in the river room. We worked together, going over her portion of the data gathering needed for the meeting with Synod team coming to tell our congregation whether or not we should add grades to our preschool. The data requested was in depth, asking for particulars which were incredibly involved, and in some cases, nearly impossible to determine. We referenced as many websites and resources as we could, including those the Team recommend, to seek the answers to these involved forms. Some of the blanks are filled with common knowledge or simply assumptions while more is fact-based materials. After a couple hours of working, we reached a point where Kathy was no longer pulling out her hair, having a fairly good handle on the situation, she felt. The information packet will be mailed off to WI at the end of this month for the Team to look over before they come down at the end of February. Hopefully the weather will improve here before they come so we can show the two guys some warm Southern hospitality!

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Late afternoon, Brenda W. called to see if we were still on to have dinner tonight. Oh, yes, indeed! They had to wait around their house most of the day because AT&T was coming out to install their Internet and cable television package. Brenda knew it was going to take all day for them to install it so the time for our dinner was up in the air. When Brenda called she told me the install was aborted after about 5 hours of working, discovering that their house was 90 feet outside the established service area! Evidently no one knew that until it was time to fire it up! Oh, man! They had to rehook up the service that was already there and just call it a day, earning no pay for the day as they are paid according to the number of TVs they hook up. Bummer! Kathy and I finished up the paperwork but before she left, I showed her a scrapbook of the trip to Las Vegas and Grand Canyon in 2001.

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I truly enjoyed my time spent with Kathy, even though the project is proving to be a huge pain in the derrier, trying to locate the minutia information asked for. Certainly all this data will mean something to those evaluating what is gathered, and this is what they do on a regular basis. The information, regardless of what the Team determines, is quite interesting and can prove valuable to our congregation. This can help us as do outreach efforts or determine what needs of our members are or are not being met, that type of thing. I am anxious to hear what the Team has to say, no matter what they determine about our adding more grades!

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Dinner with Brenda and Jimmie was terrific, as expected. Last year at this time, actually on Timmy's birthday, I made Wimpie sandwiches and had folks over but Brenda wanted to go out, just us, and I agreed. Once more I sat at a table in Longhorn and we just had the nicest time. Jimmie is so good for my spirits as he always has such high praise for me, and it is reciprocal. They are not big social people which made tonight all the more special for us. Right off the bat a lady came to our table and asked me if I was Kim. I was! I am! We knew each other from my time spent standing at the counter in the Building Dept. getting permits. Her son was born right around the time of Timmy so we always had that connection. She still works there, but, like me, is no longer married. And, like me, is quite happy. She said she just saw my former spouse at a local emporium......like I needed to hear that!

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Justin was invited to come along but slept through his phone ringing. That was okay, too, because once in a while, we grown-ups like to go without their kids, or even mine, although Jimmie thinks the world of Justin and I think the world of their sons. As we were eating, laughing, and yakking, Brenda's phone rang and after a brief conversation, said, "She's right here", handing me the phone. It was JD, the other man from this family who helped carry my son's coffin on January 19, 2001, eight years ago tomorrow..........

Quieting the evening at home

Which brings me to now......the furnace is running and running, trying to warm my room and me! I had such a big lunch that eating supper was not foremost on my list until just now. When I got home this afternoon, I had determined I was going to take a rest but that never happened. Let me back up a bit....

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After leaving Great Hang Ups, the Rosses and I went to have lunch at Longhorn across the street. Jen was hungry for a steak so Rick relented and agreed to Longhorn instead of Mongo's, where Leoni's used to be. It was cold in the restaurant and even though the Manager turned up the temp, it never seemed to improve. It felt better almost outside than in, only because the sun was shining on us. This cold snap is really getting old, and I apologize to my northern readers for saying this!

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Longhorn had a new sandwich on the menu which I opted to try, forgoing my usual chicken tenders. Knowing the sandwich would be large, I asked Christopher if he'd like to share with me, which he did. I told him he was taking Justin's place as my designated eater! At O'Charley's for Mem's birthday Chris helped me with my dinner, too. After our lunch, I headed to church to set up for the Lord's Supper tomorrow. Carol was just leaving when I pulled up and she told me she had put the tables in place already so all I needed to do was fill the glasses, etc. That was easy! A meeting for the tuberous sclerosis group meets in our Fellowship hall once a month and today was their day. I tried to be as unobtrusive as possible but one of our members who is also part of this group called out to me. I was forced to interact! What can I say?

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Once done with the setting up, I headed back home, forgetting all about stopping at Office Max for the ink cartridges----again! On the way home, near Blanding, I saw what must have been a funeral procession lead by a motorcycle cop, only the limos used were the long, white "prom"-style cars, two of them, followed by the rest of the mourners. Quite impressive looking but yet out of place. Hmmmm.......

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So, now I will settle back with my book, Grandma Speaks, until my eyes refuse to read any longer. Have a great evening all, and think about my friend, Suzanne, who is camping this weekend, despite the cold weather......I am warm!

"Such Joy"

These last two words from the opera, "La Traviata" are perfect for describing my day so far. This morning I was at Great Hang Ups nearly as the doors opened to see my friends, of course, but to also touch base again with Kevin, the glass artist. He has made several of the pieces in my home, including one "custom" lamp which my great-nephews enjoyed turning on and off by touch, as well as the lovely piece Dee gave me as a gift which sits in my river room. Originally plans were for Kevin to hold a "trunk sale" at Hang Ups in early December for which I usually serve as hostess, but, for some reason or another, it never came to be.

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Jen and family were already at the shop when I got there because I had to stop at McDonald's to get a soda on the way over. We went inside to find Dee only, as Julia had not gotten in yet. Once she did arrive, the kids enjoyed playing with the dogs and admired the art work. Kevin and Alex, his wife and a restoration artist, were due momentarily but Dee was going to the gas station across the street to get a coffee for Julia. I offered to go instead as I needed gas, too. But, just as I was about to go, the door opened and here came my friend, Pete, my former counselor, the one who "fired" me! (He was the man who initially called me an enigma, hence my personalized license plate.) What a grand and joyous surprise! The last time I'd seen him was riding down Wells Road and they came past me with Pete waving wildly, just like I do! Dee told me not to go to the gas station, to stay and talk with Pete and help him make his decision about the framing. By the way, the other "Pete" who counseled me at this same time declared that I was NOT an enigma---instead, he said that I was a "what you see is what you get" person. I'll let the two Petes battle that one out.

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Pete asked me which shows I'd be going to and I explained that I have had to limit my show ticket purchases due to my alimony interruption, but I still have opera tickets purchased "before", which Linda and I will use in February. He told the story about wanting to buy tickets for Valentine's Day for his wife because she wanted to see Billy Joel/Elton John. He tried his hand at using on-line Ticketmaster for his purchase, and ended up paying twice what he thought they were going to be! With no way out without losing 25% of his purchase, so he is stuck, and will be a really big hit come Valentine's Day!

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So, anyway, we had a great reconnect and he even took along the address to my blogsite. I wrote it out on his receipt and then he asked me exactly "how" he would access it, not being all that comfortable on the computer (see Ticketmaster notes above.....). I am so proud of Pete because he found the blog and even left me a comment on one of my recent postings, way ahead of the game! Bravo! In case my readers don't go back to read his comment, he told me that reading my site was going to have him smiling all day. Mission accomplished!!!

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Another fun thing happened when another customer came in to pick up a framing piece plus showed off a couple incomplete works he has been working on for many years. It turned out he is a firefighter by trade, but a poet and painter for fun. Not only that, he races cars and motorcycles, a man confident in his manhood, comfortable with fighting fires and writing poetry. Some say driving race cars is poetry so it works! But, the most blessed thing was when he went to his car to bring in a large piece he had written, mounted, and decorated with sleeve patches from his Unit. The lengthy poem was lovely, well done, and gave me goosebumps as it told of their service to the community and dedication to each other, no matter what. I told Julia I was leaving her shop richer than when I came in-----and after this morning, it is true!!!!!

My tummy hurts!

In waking early this morning, my tummy was just growling and growling away. It is not an unusual occurrence after eating later in the evening to be extra hungry in the morning. Since the remainder of my delicious white mountain bread took a furry green glow and had to be disposed of yesterday morning, I knew toast was not an option for breakfast. Normally I eat 'breakfast' mid- to late- morning, not 7:30, but I was going to make an exception to the unwritten rule. Aha! I had leftover apple dumpling from my nearly missed dinner plans with the church ladies (when I didn't get the memo!), so I tippy-toed to the kitchen to re-heat the dumpling (you are what you eat!!!) without waking Joanne. It was more than half which means I barely made a dent in my dumpling Tuesday, but did eat the ice cream off the top to soothe my tongue which I'd burned on my chili the night before. Medicinal purposes, for burned tongues and snake bite!

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There was just too much discussion on Fox and Friends today about the upcoming events in Washington DC so I decided I needed a "fix" from my friends on "Seinfeld". There is a complete episode guide that came with the boxed set to help find the particular show which I did find---known as "The Clip Show". I needed that! I just laughed and laughed while eating my dumpling in the warmth of my bed. So, does my tummy hurt from eating apple dumpling or from laughing??????

Time with Twila

Yesterday morning, late, Jennifer called to ask me about the serving time and so on at Koko's. As if I knew......I did! I told her they started serving lunch at 11:30 and serve their last table at 2:00 pm. Her grammy is in town, visiting from Boston, and Jen wanted to take her to lunch someplace "charming". And I was invited to join them! I didn't mind since I'd not been there in a whole day! We met at Hang Ups first and then went to dine at Koko's. Chef Hung cooked for us, always treating me very special, cooking an onion separate for me because he knows I don't care for the veggies. There is nothing on this earth like excellent customer service!

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We were talking about the capital expenses I experienced here in 2008 and her grammy could not understand why those things were not paid from our monthly dues and such, as they are at her retirement community in Fort Meyers. I explained that no provisions were made early on in our Association for these major repairs so now we must pay as we go, great sums in many cases. She was curious about what our building looked like so I invited them to come up and see for herself. She liked my place and was equally tickled that her son, Bruce, did so much of the updating and floor replacement when I first bought the place.

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They could not stay very long, however, because they had to collect Memrie from school and meet Bruce at the pediatrion's office. Bruce was going to help hold Memrie down as they did a blood draw for a work-up the doctor wants. The two ladies didn't think they could hold Mem adequately so Bruce was coming to be the firm one.

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I had a couple hours before Twila and I were going to a funeral for the dad of one of the boys with whom Mark and Justin were friends at St. Johns. Mark came up from college, near Orlando, to attend the funeral and met Twila and me at the church. We saw many many St. Johns people there, some former classmates, teachers, and even one of my neighbors. Being a Roman Catholic service, Twila and I weren't sure what to expect but we got through just fine. The communion portion took twice as long as the funeral portion, which they practiced as "close communion". Both of us were surprised by this, since we thought normally R.C.'s permitted and encouraged all denominations to take the Lord's Supper. But not having ever been before, this was merely conjecture on our parts.

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We opted to miss the reception afterward and went to Olive Garden instead. Twila loves Olive Garden and Red Lobster but some in our group do not, so this was a perfect opportunity to indulge. She is having her hip replacement surgery on Tuesday so we are tearing up the town beforehand! She had an Italian margarita and I had the strawberry one, and we very much enjoyed our dinner and time together. Two Fridays in a row spent with Twila! She told me about her granddaughters' sister-in-law attending a soccer party at the estate of my former spouse and being blown away by his house. Twila didn't think it could possibly have been the same house because why would this older man have teen-age soccer players at his house, but in putting names and faces together, Twila's granddaughter figured it out. It's all about connecting the dots sometimes. How about that?