Feeling Too Fat

The following essay is one I had read a year or so ago and then forgot where I found it. Often I reflected upon the message in the article, wishing to be able to reference it. Well, it showed up again via Facebook so I nabbed it! 

Now I will have it when I need to remind myself about a couple things, the first of which is to get over it! and the second of which is to remember to live on the front side of the camera instead of just trying to capture what's happening, missing the moment in the process. This is "heavy" for a Wednesday morning but I am likely not the only one who needs these reminders. By the way, it's only a coincidence that her husband's name is the same as my son's name!: 

So You're Feeling Too Fat to Be Photographed...

Listen. I hear you. You're a few pounds heavier than you like (or a 100 lbs heavier than you like). I completely understand how you feel. I get that same blah feeling about myself when I think about booking new head shots or long overdue pictures of me and Justin. Precious, I even picked a career that has me permanently behind the camera rather than in front of it. 

Seeing myself in pictures actually produces the faintest sick feeling in my stomach. Isn't it amazing we can see the beauty in our best friends, sisters, mothers, and aunts without the slightest thought to their flaws... but can obsess for hours on our own imperfections? 

We fixate on our flaws to the point we shirk at any documentation that our round faces and curvy bodies ever walked the earth. No pictures to show how we LOVE, how we laugh, how we are treasured by our families. How is it possible that a double chin can overpower the beauty of a mother cuddling her child? How does arm fat distract from the perfect shot of a spontaneous hug? I swear y'all... how is it that we can put more value on a TUMMY ROLL than the captivating way you throw yourself into a roar of laughter during a shoot?

In our warped minds pictures become frozen mirrors that we can stare at as we pick apart our features over and over again.

I know, girl. I know.

My personal duck-and-cover (or signature "make a funny face") approach to having pictures of myself changed completely when I had a serious car accident last year (and started over). In the flash of a second (or a flash of the text message the young woman was reading) my entire life changed. 

I nearly left this earth with no physical evidence of the goofy, wide open and loud love I have for my life, my husband, my family and friends. I haven't had professional pictures done since our wedding in 2006... always waiting for this elusive moment where I would be thin enough (pretty enough) to have such a permanent record of me. Because, you know, HEAVEN FORBID there be any proof that I look the way I actually look.

So here is the harsh truth y'all. Listen good. Our vanity is no longer enough of a reason to avoid the camera. Life doesn't wait until you "get thin" enough to capture it. Life is happening... it is happening right now and the only moment we are guaranteed is the one we are living. I shudder at the thought of leaving behind no pictures of my life with ME in it. 

My mom says of the accident she is "just glad that we're still a whole family." My gift to her this Christmas was a family portrait showing just that, nine months post-accident... a whole family.

       

Do you know what my mom sees when she looks at this picture? Her beautiful family all together. Do you know what my husband sees? The family he gained the moment he met me (and how much he looks like my dad...) Do you know what my dad sees? The happy family he has worked for every day of his life. Do you know what my brother sees? That he got away with wearing shorts...

Shocker: No one is looking at how fat I look.

Can we agree to put the value of family over the value of fat? Can we just accept that the weight you've been trying to lose for 5 years might actually just be a part of what you look like... and that if this magical day does come when you're acceptably thin you'll STILL regret not having any pictures of you with your kids from ages 5-10? 

Can we acknowledge that the insecurities we have in our heads will never be a part of how our children, husbands, and friends see us? Can we just please let our loved ones remember the YOU they love?

Your children want pictures with their mom.

Your husband wants pictures with his beautiful wife.

Your mom and dad want pictures of the happy, successful, amazing woman they raised (OK, and more pictures of the grandkids while you're at it).

And if you're thinking that high school friend on Facebook will say to herself ("wow she has gained weight") then... news flash you DID. You gained weight. Shed a tear. Read a book. Drink a sweet tea. Watch Oprah. Whatever it takes. Accept this reality... YOU GAINED WEIGHT. 

The truth is you've gained a lot of other things too (a career, a family, some kids, a house, a love for travel, the ability to coordinate your separates...) and that girl from high school is going to spend a lot more time hating on those things than she ever will on your double chin.

So you're feeling too fat to be photographed? OK... but you're the only one who notices. The rest of us are too caught up in loving you.

My Friend Teresa Photography blog

Seems so odd...

...to not have Bible study today, throwing my routine out of whack this way. Pastor has suspended the class until some time after New Year due to the busyness of the season. We were having such a good flow, too, with our Fellowship study, just getting into the application portion of what we have reviewed. Oh well, we can pick it up again next year.

But, I was not without plans as my friend, Kathy, had asked me to lunch. Her mom, Betty, was out with her other daughter so Kathy and I enjoyed our lunch at Koko's. It was quiet, only two tables of hibachi diners while the rest of the folks were having table service on the other side of the dining room. Kathy gave me all her rice and I gave her all my vegetables---fair trade. The chef made me extra onion and in no time at all, I was full. The to-go box would be sufficient for our dinner, with the added food ordered but not eaten from Ming Moon on Sunday night. 

Justin had hauled all the Christmas bins out the night before so we tackled them tonight. Originally my plans were to start decorating while he was at work but time got away from me after Kathy and I got back from lunch. Anyway, he took care of the tree, with me helping him to fluff the branches, his least favorite part of the job. I untangled the star garland, did some dusting and moved my every day pretties to make room for the seasonal stuff. What a team!

With about 6 bins of decorations and one case for the ornaments, only very few pieces were actually incorporated into our decor. It is quite different than how it used to be 'back in the day' when we would entertain regularly. Now, I am gone much of the time and don't usually host unless it's for  the Ladies' Group. I think it's about time to thin out all those ceramic pieces I've moved from state to state and house to house over the years. It seems I am more easily contented with the simple stuff now days!

Sleep in heavenly peace...

This photo was taken during the Lakeshore Lutheran Chorale's Christmas concert at First German in Manitowoc tonight. The weather outside was frightful but the concert was a blessing, according to my mom. Notice how the chorale's robes are the liturgically correct color for the season.

My sister and niece are in the church's choir which also participated, but unfortunately, my niece couldn't make it to the concert due to the inclement weather. As I said to Mom on the phone as I drove to Victory, I am sure glad I am not the one having to plan these events in the upper midwest during the winter months because one simply cannot depend  upon the weather's cooperation. 

This is the table at which I was a guest of my friend, Erica, at Victory's Ladies' Advent Service this evening. One of the members has written a lovely service based on the history of the familar hymns and carols we sing, this being the second time this service was used. One particular line from the narration that struck me was how the Israelites lived most of their lives in the Advent season, awaiting the coming Messiah. Very poignant to me. We are yet in Advent in our lives, as well, as we await the return of our victorious Savior King!

I got my wish!

At the end of summer, I lamented not being able to enjoy time with my friends around the pool. Today, I got my wish and sat outside with three of my friends for an hour or so. It was 84 above zero and just a lovely day. Meanwhile our families and friends were suffering in unseasonably (or unreasonably!) cold weather in the upper Midwest as we appreciated our unseasonably warm, even record setting, temperatures here in N. FL. 

This is the bird's eye view of my friends seated at the pool waiting for me to get home from my morning/afternoon outings today. Bob is in the shade, while Nancy and Bill get some sun. As Debbie and I walked up the building and noticed them out there, I told her I doubted anyone would get in the water....

....but I was wrong! In fact, Bill had gotten in several times before I got down there and several more after I arrived. The teen's pool is 'warmer' because it is more shallow but it is certainly NOT warm enough to swim in. Not too cold for this brave North Dakotan, though. Such a guy!

Emotional day today

Sunday I have planned for Justin and I to decorate our rooms for Christmas. I am more excited about than is he, of course, as he hates to do the tree. I will be glad to do the tree, but I can't put it up myself (I tell him...) and cannot reach the top, etc. It is a two-person job. He doesn't like the pulling apart of the branches part of the decorating, so that will be my job. One good thing about our tree location is that it is not the center of attention in the room, but nicely set in a corner, offering ambient light and decor. I don't do much 'for a grade' any more, less performance pressure the last decade or so. Wow, it's almost a decade already!

Since I am talking about history here, I have more to add. This a.m. I had The Breakfast Club with some ladies, Ollovan and Pat. Pat used to be a volunteer fire fighter which is how she met her husband, David. They both served at the station which which responded to our emergency back in 2001, but neither of them were among the responders. I told her about the letter one of the EMTs had written to me after Mom, Justin, and I dropped off Honey Baked Hams at the two stations. Pat wondered if she knew the lady who wrote the letter, so I am making it my mission to locate that letter in my archives. Wow!

This has been an eye-reddening day, and an eye-opening mission for me to be on. Long and short, I did locate the letter and realize I must re-type it before it is no longer legible, as it has faded a great deal. It was hand-written on a paper with clouds on it, and the writing is hard to make out. I can staple it to the original but I want to make sure I can read it in another 10 years, if I need to. I gave Pat bad info, however, as the lady was at the other station and not hers, as I had originally 'remembered'. 

As I read through many of the multiples of a hundred cards and notes from people, it saddened me to realize I didn't recall who some of these people were. Their notes were so touching and intimate, yet their name rang no bell for me. And I thought "I'd never, ever forget these people" and the events. I am sure this part of God's healing for us, to put these memories aside so we don't dwell, but I feel badly about not storing these names and faces in my heart and memory. One lady stuck in my mind as I struggled to remember who she was...and all of sudden, later, it came back to me that she was our neighbor on the street we lived on where Timmy was born. 

There was a lovely poem which was not signed but I attributed to my niece at first. But that didn't ring true either as another card revealed a girl named Becky had written us a poem. Okay, so who is this Becky? Searching and searching my memory banks----ah, yes! She worked in Peggy's dental office and would often babysit for us. That was why she remembered tucking him into bed, reading stories to him and his curly hair and his laugh...

When Justin came home from work I sort of put the stuff to the side because he used to not like it when I did stuff like this. When I wrote a piece for my high school's alumni newsletter many years back, he asked me how long I would be yet in getting it done. At that time my office was just off the family room at our lake house and he could see/hear me at work. I sort of learned a lesson from that...which is why I likely put the 'book' aside as long as he was around. 

Speaking of the book, after reading through the lovely notes people wrote to us upon Timmy's death and the weeks afterward, I am rethinking the format of the book. The messages in the book can tell the story for me, if I let them.

Linda touched base with me throughout the day as she vacationed in the winter wonderland of MN at our friend's home. She knew of my project and sent me encouragement and comfort as I went through the basket. 

Tomorrow I have a seminar at my financial planner's office about Medicare. I know, I know, not old enough yet but it never hurts to get the scoop well in advance, plus have a lovely 'brunch' with the other folks. Plans are being made to lunch with my neighbor, Debbie, Saturday as well, depending upon how long the seminar lasts. I'd like to dine alfresco if possible and make the most of our sunshining days. In the low 80's again today---yay!

It's a hot day!

We reached 82 above zero today in North Florida and for this, I apologize to those of you who read this blog and are suffering from the terrible cold temps elsewhere. More than terrible, potentially life-threatening if much time is spent out in it without adequate clothing. Now, if it was a football game, folks can do it, but then again, they are usually wearing layer upon layer of clothing---or, a bikini, as I saw at a recent Packer game! Brrr!  It's so nice out that Justin and I enjoyed lunch on the patio at Bahama Breeze today after Bible study.

As I write, I see a very colorful barge moving up the river. When they travel at night, the barge and the tugboat are covered in lights which make them look like they are decorated for Christmas. So friendly looking, and very hard to miss.

I don't think I mentioned my quick trip to the dentist on Monday afternoon. My temporary bridge is holding up nicely and I thought I was keeping the area nice and clean. Well, Sunday morning when I brushed my teeth, I hurt myself, thinking I nicked the area where the extraction was and caused it to bleed. I thought at first I had another abscess and was fearing having some other procedure done to this area. Like it's never going to end, you know?

I called the dentist Monday morning and the young lady got me an appointment for that afternoon, well before I had to be ready for the Ladies' Group party. (Thinking ahead, I had stopped at Publix and got my food for taking to the party, plus my gift was already wrapped. I was so ahead of the game this time!) Heidi took me back to the suite and got me situated in the chair while I waited for Peggy. Heidi gave it a quick look-see and determined, indeed, I did have a boo boo. I knew it!

                         

Well, Peggy looked it over, and then tried pushing some tracer stuff into the owie to see how far into my head it would go. Once packed in there, she x-rayed it and found the wound was mostly a surface injury. She used an antibiotic to rinse the area and sure enough, she flushed out a 'foreign object'. That is enough detail, but will say I was VERY greatly relieved to know my bone is healing nicely after the extraction (yay!) and no further procedures were needed. 

I have to be extra careful when eating green food apparently, or any type of food, it seems. She gave me the remainder of the bottle of antiseptic stuff to take home with me, plus a syringe thing, to rinse the area at bedtime, making sure no 'foreign objects' cause me a problem. I was so so glad. I get my permanent bridge installed in January after I get home from WI. A nice, early start to my tax deductions!

Mission Accomplished!

It's been a long time coming but there it is----the top of my desk! I worked several hours on this project, tearing open envelopes, filing papers, shredding some stuff, and in general, going through the accumulation of debris stacked on my desk. And here is the result---a cleaned off desk. All that remains is a napkin for my soda can, and a case from a CD (music from Greece). Otherwise, all the stuff is handled as is appropriate and the slate is clean. Now, to the mailbox to see what more I can bring up to sort, file, or shred!