I have a new normal!

Bible study was also a bit tear-provoking, but for another reason other than it being Timmy's birthday/funeral day. We got to hear Pete sing on the Come Worship Christ video again! In a foreign tongue, German perhaps. Loved to hear him singing once more...

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After Bible class six of us headed to our haunt of Longhorn for our repast. We all had something totally different than our usual, which really messed up Patti, the waitress who takes care of us weekly. I told her, "So much for using the pre-printed forms" she uses for us, jokingly. We are no longer predictable. Twila and I shared the prime rib sandwich, as I did with Chris on Saturday, perfect sized for us.

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Kelly T. asked me if I was going to the cemetery after lunch and I told her I was going Michael's for supplies for the ladies' group brunch. She was attending a funeral at Jax Memory Gardens so when I got done at Michael's, I drove over there, hoping to catch her before she finished working on her sister's gravesite, changing out the floral arrangement. I did find her and she joined me at Timmy's site. We spent some time together there as I waved to the guys coming and going on their carts and in their trucks. Even the mortician stopped by to chat with me, as usual, and we talked after Kelly left for her funeral. Damon is always quite nice to me, and expressed, in front of Kelly, that he had never experienced a funeral service quite like Timmy's. Nothing ordinary about it, and Kelly said, "Kim doesn't do anything ordinary!", truly lightening the moment. He said it was the first one and only one that had "satellite" worship set up. Timmy's funeral brought the most people ever to Good Shepherd, not before or since has our church been filled to overflowing!

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Damon asked how I was doing and asked about Justin and I told him our plans to have dinner as usual at "Taste Tomatoes" tonight. He made the comment that I had to go through a lot of stuff in a brief period of time and said he admired me. Great, Damon, give me a chance to explain how all this is possible----but he already knew how the Lord enabled me to survive and then to flourish under the adversity. Seeing these guys, my boyfriends, at the cemetery, even the two who had to jump into the hole to lower the coffin, was a good thing to have happen today.

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Wednesday when Justin and I were at the gravesite for lunch, he had leftover windshield fluid which he put into my car while we sat there. Mike, the head guy of the grounds, stopped to say hi and see if all was okay with my car. I explained that Justin had extra fluid and was putting it in my car, and Mike exclaimed, "That's your boy??" He couldn't get over what a big boy Justin was, even though we've seen Mike out and about other places. I told Mike we only put a balloon out so as not to break the rules about decorations, and he said, "You can do anything you want", but it's when other people follow suit that it becomes a problem. Of this I am aware, and I won't press the issue, I am sort of over that. What my sister-in-law, Mona, referred to as "a new normal", which she said I can use if I want to! My new normal is to visit there less frequently, not pile all sorts of memorabilia on and around the marker, not make the cemetery a destination. Take the flowers by when they are available from the church altar and ease on to other things. Eh? A new normal!

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I am listening to "In Christ Alone" on my computer and it is such a wonderful piece, peace.

The tears flow without much provocation

I did not mark this one with "Warning" because I suspect most of the readers are already braced today. What was a clear and bright sun-filled sky has become foggy and slightly overcast. I hope that does not last long. And I also hope Justin is across the bridge already and not in the fog while he is driving.

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Cindy was at church yesterday but after worship when we were hugging, I wanted to say something to her. She said, "Don't say anything!" We just smiled at each other, knowing each others minds and hearts so well, and left it unspoken. Last week she wrote such a lovely comment to a posting, telling about what the first weeks were like in her Sunday school class after Timmy died, how she let the kids ask questions and discuss what happened instead of following the curriculum. I suspect the kids learned a whole lot more those days and weeks than they will ever learn, more than they wanted to learn perhaps when their fellow member, another child, died so suddenly.

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Kathy and I had a conversation yesterday about grief and the rules thereof, and I am quick to say there are no rules, just go with it! Her daughter, now engaged to be married in April, had lost her first fiance to an accident a few years ago. Kathy was telling me how people, many of the them her daughter's friends, would tell Kelly to "get over it", and "move on". This was only months or weeks after he had died and they said "Move on." What exactly were they saying to Kelly? Were they saying those words to benefit Kelly? From my observations, not so much. In fact, people, and in her case, young people, simply are too uncomfortable, unskilled, in dealing with matters such as these. Sorrow and grief and loss truly do interfere with the "life goes on" mentality our culture has, and folks don't want to let their guard down around others, appear weak or emotional. Folks, I tell you again, there is nothing wrong with showing your feelings and expressing your grief, whether in private or in public. Many folks avoid the subject, saying they did not want to "upset" me ( or Kelly), when in fact, often, it is the speaker not wanting to be upset or show their feelings. Let's just skip along as though nothing has happened, and that is so unfair to the one experiencing the loss. I may be different than others, but I am willing to bet, not all that different. Lesson over.*

Last night at dinner with Brenda and Jimmie, we talked about a few things that made us laugh about Timmy. I recalled the time Jimmie was sitting at the conference room table, the first time Timmy had seen him without a cap on his balding head. Timmy was sitting on his dad's lap and asked him, "What happened to Jimmie's head?" It was also Jimmie's birthday that day and as we waited for the gang to assemble around the table to sing for him, I asked Timmy what song we should sing for Jimmie's birthday, assuming it would be the standard birthday song. Oh no, Timmy wanted to sing "Old MacDonald Had a Farm"!

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Jimmie recalled that Timmy referred to Brenda as being Jimmie's mama, which, for some reason, really tickled Jimmie's funny bone! We recalled how Timmy would dress himself in outlandish, mismatched outfits, pointing to the blue stripe in his shirt and the blue square on his plaid shorts and say, "See? Blue, blue!". As far as he was concerned, he had a match! One of our guys, Frank, used to ask, "Dress yourself today, Tim?", as it was obvious I had not picked the outfit. One of our members from church also worked for us in the office before leaving to be director of the preschool. One day, Rebecca brought in a bunch of suspenders and clip-on ties for Timmy because he loved them so much. On uniform day at school, Justin got to wear a dress shirt and tie, but Timmy had to wear his dress polo shirt----to which he clipped on a tie! I have that same shirt with a necktie attached in the memory box below his portrait in the hallway.

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One year for CHRISTmas we (Santa) got Timmy a bike, but it came unassembled. Another of our guys, Michael, got the dubious job of putting our childs' present together. Well, even though Timmy did not know Michaal had assembled the bike, he always asked Mike to put the chain back on or make the proper adjustment when something wasn't right.

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Another of our guys who used to work for us, Jim Hattaway, knew "Hurricane Hank" before he could even walk. In our old office, Jim would come in from the field and lift Timmy in his jump-up chair suspended in the doorway and would lift him wwaayy up with one hand, and let him drop. This brought great screams of delight from a previously bored infant. Jim only had so many of those in him though so the fun would soon stop. When Timmy learned to walk far too early, Jim's office and storage area was an easy mark for a little guy who loved to pull the covers off of boxes and strew the files around the room. That is why Jim, who never got mad, called him "Hurricane Hank". After Jim quit rather abruptly after a falling out with the boss, I didn't see or hear from him for a year. Finally he came back into my life and as I told my friends, "I can die now." I loved him and he loved me and my boys. At Timmy's funeral, Jim nearly passed out. It was hot, in January, and he had worn a white dress shirt with his suit, and the collar was so tight he could barely breathe. I told him he didn't have to wear that but he thought he should. The lady at the home inspection place where Jim then worked told me how hard Jim took the news about Timmy, and that she made dinner for him and hung out with him the first night, because he was so upset. I like knowing that about him, and about her.

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I am thankful to have a full day ahead of me, starting with Bible class and lunch with the church ladies. A good place to be. Justin is coming over here after work to do some vacuuming for us, because he works for his room and board, too, if you recall. And then we are going to have dinner at Taste Tomatoes. We have to go sort of early so I am home again to attend the Board of Directors meeting this evening. We are having an attorney come to help explain the new condo laws and such, and their affect on us as an Association. I am hoping that doesn't mean more money but I am guessing it will. Ugh! Life goes on........maybe not "moving on" but going on.........

Warning: Timmy's birthday

Before the sun came up, Lynx was pawing at my bedroom door to get out, seemingly could not muster the strength to pull it open herself. Reluctantly I threw off my covers to free her and got back under quickly. The TV station which had lulled me to sleep was not showing the normal fare for early morning, but instead had a movie on about a bait shop. Ugh! Where was "Becker" this morning??? He was the predecessor of "House", the original arrogant, cranky doctor. For a while I watched/listened to the Real Estate Channel to find out what is on the market these days but they were showing areas not close to mine so I switched to a home make-over show instead. There will not be much news watching these days because it is not good for my spirit.

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While watching the TLC program, a commercial came on for what seems to be an upscale Golden Corral, featuring bacon-wrapped steaks, pork, and chicken. Nice! Being that today would be Timmy's 13th birthday and marks the anniversary of his funeral, my thoughts automatically went that direction. When we lived in Waterford Landing, his father and I bought a used piano from a family in Eagle Harbor, and the men on our staff had the dubious pleasure of picking it up and delivering it to our house. Justin was the only one taking lessons at first but when Timmy was 4 1/2, he was getting lessons, as well. Oh, it was a nightmare taking him to lessons, mainly because I had to sit in the room with his teacher, Tatiana, and him. She was Russian with a strong accent and I could barely understand her, much less a headstrong child. It would be like Lucas running all over the field to grab the ground balls, even if they were not his for the picking...that is how Timmy wanted to play the piano. She would say, in her Russian accent, "Play black set keys, play black set keys" and he would hit whatever keys he wanted, all the while kicking against the piano as his feet hung down from the bench. The song he did learn to play, using the black set keys, was a scale to which he would sing, "Mommy, I love you" as he worked from left to right. My favorite song!

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When my then spouse and I took a reconciliation cruise in 2000 to the Mediterranean, we paid one of our employees to watch the kids after school and get them off in the mornings, etc. She also had to take them to piano lessons, and when we got back, Tatiana had fired Timmy, telling the babysitter, "You don't bring him here no more!" Of course, it was not her place to fire him, and the owner of the studio said he could come back. Tatiana went on a sabbatical or something and a different person took over trying to teach Timmy to play piano. It was grueling, absolutely grueling to sit in there, with me pinching and threatening all the while the teacher tried to get him to play. He had already announced to Tatiana, "I play it the way I want it!" Okay then! I had wanted his father to please take a turn going to piano lessons just to see how awful it was, but Timmy died before that ever happened. The studio refunded the money we had paid in advance for his music lessons, as Justin's teacher left for maternity reasons and we just never went back for more lessons. Neither boy was crazy about learning to play and after a point, I didn't care either.

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How does Golden Corral figure in here? Immediately across the street from Suzuki Music was what Timmy called "Golden Ral". Nearly every week when Justin, Timmy, and I would come out of music class, Timmy would say the immortal words, "I got it! Let's go to Golden Ral for supper! How's that sound?" Years before it was cool, my hair was standing up from the stress of his piano lessons and it was not even 5:00 yet, too early for supper.....Once in awhile we would do it but not as often as Timmy thought we should eat at Golden Ral. I was the only one bearing any ill-effects from the piano lesson, and Justin a little bit, too. I never had to pinch or threaten Justin in his lessons but his brother, yikes!

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Rarely do we go to eat at Golden Corral, the last times being with the Rosses when their kids' schools have a sponsored function or something. Buffets are not really cost effective for me, believe it or not, since I am usually good for one trip up and that's it. For a big working man or hungry teenager it works out better, but not so much for me. Today Justin and I will be going to Sweet Tomatoes, or as he called it "Taste Tomatoes", Timmy's other favorite place, on his birthday. It is a salad bar and soup buffet with the added bonus of pasta dishes, and his favorite, the chocolate brownie with ice cream and sprinkles.