Self-examination

Some time ago my sister, Lori, gave our mother a journal-type of book for her to complete, to fill in the blanks. The book asked questions or had statements to which Mom would add her rememberance about her childhood, growing up, being an adult, and so on. Upon Mom completing the journal, Lori took the book back for safe keeping for Grandma K's family to have this record. Flash forward to the lockdown and the not being able to get into the Home to visit Mom. Phone calls were the only connection and Mom has no phone any longer because she cannot see to use one. 

Shady Lane Home has been helpful maintaining contact with the families of those who have no other way to contact their families or friends. Each week we "girls' get to talk with Mumsy, as I call her, some of us via FaceTime visits or using the phone for those who are not Apple users. Lori admitted she was sometimes stymied with what to talk about and then had the brainstorm to pull out that long ago completed journal. She started asking Mom questions from the journal and Mom expounds upon what she experienced or witnessed. Mom told her she likes to do that instead of talking about the news and stuff like that. Lynn has been the one to update Mom on the obituaries, keeping her up-to-date of those from church or the community who have died. That is much appreciated.

FaceTime screenshot of Mumsy and me (March 2021) where she has her eyes open. They had to get her up from a nap for the visit.

What Jill and Kerry discusss with her I do not know, but as for myself, I can talk about anything. I can talk the bark off a tree! Once in a while I will bring up something from our shared past, like where we would go fabric shopping when she wintered with us here in FL.  Or how she took care of Justin when he was little, how funny he was, and what she did at his whim. He had quite the imagination as a little guy, and Mom would sometimes drive an imaginary sleigh while pushing his stroller or trying to control a wild pig he had named Agnes, invisible to everyone except him and Grandma! Those are fun conversations as well. The FaceTime calls allow me to be nose to nose with my mumsy, closer than if I was in the same room with her! Some of the Activity Aids are pretty liberal with the amount of time we have for our visits. Others are most stringent about the time alloted so we get cut short, or right on time, with our visits. I will simply take what I can get!

I tell you all this to explain the book Justin gave me for Christmas titled "300 Questions to Ask Your Parents" Before It's Too Late. He said he knew I don't have problems coming up with things to talk about with Mom but thought this would be interesting for me to prompt her memories like Lori is doing. I love it! 

But, I love it more for myself right now than for asking my mom. I am thinking I should fill it out to share with him when I am 95 and in the Home (may that never happen!!).  I am also thinking of other uses for some of the questions in the book, as he described them as being "conversation starters". He follows a conversation starter site online and uses with his friends just to make it interesting. Neither of us struggle for words, usually, at least conversation-wise, but still the prompts in the book are interesting. Other of the questions or fill-in-the-blanks are so thought provoking that they hurt. We can simply skip over those! The answers are not for a grade so can be completed, or only read and never shared, but allow for some contempation and reflection. I love it! 

"I am my mother after all!"

Years ago I saw a mirror in a gift shoppe that had printed on it a poem I found to be amusing:  "Mirror mirror on the wall; I am my mother, after all!" Perhaps it's more amusing now that this forecast has come true!

A few years ago my first thought was this would NEVER happen--I would never be like my mom, as if that is a bad thing, you know?  I don't think I'm aware of anyone who really wants to be just like their mother, especially ladies. Boys might wish to be like their dads, but I would say fewer of us females wished to become their moms. Or was it only the way I feel? 

Only of my funniest stories of my grandma, Lily, was about my sisters and I taking her to the store to shop. We were at Copp's Discount Department Store, an early version of what Wal*Mart would grow up to be. Grandma needed some hairnets so while she pushed her cart through the grocery department, Lori and I went off to secure the hairnets in another part of the store. Finding the package of three white nets, to match her hair, we came back to where we left her in groceries. She was walking in an open space when she asked us how much they were. We said, "Thirty nine cents."  She slammed on her brakes and asked, incredulously, "WWWHHHAT???" This price was crazy high, at least as far as she knew. We had to laugh, as we all banged together when she slammed on her brakes like that, in shock and horror at the cost of hairnets. I am guessing my aunt usually just picked them up for her and never discussed the cost of them. 

Now that is me, when I see something in the store that costs more than I believe it should, my brakes go on! But, you are right, that is not my mother, that was Grandma. My guess is Mom was the same way in her older years, but without the same story as the hairnet shopping trip. 

One day my mom was telling me about how she only wants to get dressed once a day. If she had a midweek church service to attend, she would get ready for church in the morning. I scoffed at that (sorry, Mom!) but now, that is me! I do not want to change my earrings so I wear the same color if I do change my tops, to keep them in place. What?  That is nuts---what is the big deal about changing one's earrings? I do not know!

                          

 Mom sitting at her headquarters in her apartment, having a chuckle

Mom had said to me more than once about going only one place in a day's time. What?? Of course, you go all day long, right? Now that I am facing nearly 65 years of age and have ruined my leg joints, once I am out, will try to accomplish what I can while out. Getting in and out of the car repeatedly, though, is tough on me. One my greatest pleasures is when Justin is my driver and takes me where I need to be. He is so good about putting out his hand to help me walk on unstable ground, or to step down from a curb. He is a gentleman! But, on my own, I am good to go out and do my thing, and then go home again. And stay there! Like a big lump! Sorry I laughed, Mom. 

There are more comparisons to be made, things I do that my mom also did but let's just leave it to the mirror to tell those stories. At this writing I do not time when people get up in the night, if I can hear them, nor do I count how many times it is me getting up. At least, not yet! 

See the faces

We have been having some beastly hot temperatures here lately, as high as 102 above zero at some points yesterday. As I drove home from Middleburg, where I enjoyed a lovely graduation party for Memrie Ross, it was 102, but dropped to 100 when I pulled into my parking place after the 30 minute drive back home later afternoon. I was tempted to get my suit on and go out to the pool but chose to sit in the A/C and talk with Justin for a bit.

Linda Jachimstal, Lee Lawrence, Jacquie McDonald, and me at BasketiqueTeaRoom 

Friday Mo and I were at the pool and got talking with Lucy, who is preparing her home to be sold so she can downsize into a townhome or condo in St. Augustine. She talked about the “things” she has to go through, making decisions for their fate, whether they are worth keeping or could be sold at an estate sale in the future. There is just so much we cannot let go of, many of us having the same problem with these types of decisions. She told about sorting through photos that she had inherited from her mother, and how she is making decisions of what to do with them. If she can no longer see the faces, she is letting go of them. Isn’t that an interesting criteria? Her thinking is that if she cannot tell who it is in the picture any longer, why would anyone else want them? She is marking those she does know and will share them with her cousins whose family members are in the pictures because “you just can’t throw away pictures!” Only if you cannot see their faces any longer. I asked her if it was like throwing people away, and she agreed that it was. 

We ladies talked some more about how valuable capturing moments with our families is to us.  One of the great charms about Facebook is the ability to share and store one’s pictures of their family gatherings, especially now when many folks are feeling isolated at home due to the virus. A few weeks ago I shared a picture of our family taken at my nephew’s wedding (2009) where we are all together, but my sister, Kerry, is hidden behind my nephew and we cannot see her face. I had wanted to have that fixed by my friend who can do such magic, but my nephew strongly objected to my tampering with his wedding picture. WELL!  Anyway, my mom is standing just a step to the side in the front row of the photo. When I originally posted it, one of my friends commented that Mom should have been front and center, and I told her I had to wrestle Mom just to be in the picture. Apparently this type of stuff is not as important to others as it is to me! That is the only family picture we have from over 10 years ago. 

When visiting my mom and family in WI I try to capture pictures of us girls with Mom but it is terribly difficult to get everyone in one shot or even in town at the same time. Sometimes the girls are reluctant participants in the photos. Again, it matters more to me than it does to others, I guess, but someday, those pictures should still be clear enough so we can see the faces, and not end up in the trash bin. In watching the live-streamed funeral service of Anne Hoyer a couple weeks ago, the photo presentation at the end was fabulous. I knew many in the photos with Anne and her smiling face,  pictures with her two sisters and/or their parents. They lived distances apart from each other yet remained so well connected. It was so great to see all the faces. 

A day or so ago a friend of mine posted a lengthy statement about why she will not wear a face mask during this Coronavirus situation. She is logical and measured, having done her due diligence in researching the pros and cons, and with her suffering from asthma and having anxiety issues, she has opted out. Such a firestorm of controversy over this matter! People take it most personally as though my friend is waving a rifle in their direction or has pulled the pin from a live grenade. She is considered dangerous by some (the least dangerous person in any room is she!). Her face is too beautiful to cover and fortunately she doesn’t work is such a place as requires it. But who in the world would have ever thought this would be an issue to fight over?? We are judged by it, accused or mocked, scaring people if we do not have one, when the opposite would have been the case just six months ago! Now if we see their faces, they are our sure enemy, how about that? To go into a bank now we must cover our face. Where in the world (in which worlds?) do we live? The land of the free and home of the brave no longer. 

I won't have it!

Yes, I am getting old and crotchety right along here. Being scolded for not wearing a face mask when going to the store, to protect others, nope, I won't have it! 

Back in 2009 I heard the expression of "new normal" used describing something for which we had to become accustomed, and I liked it. My sister-in-law, Mona, used it and said I could as well. But, I do not like it anymore, especially not the way it is being used these days, to get us to kowtow and knuckle under to the social pressures of compliance. 

Yesterday late afternoon I joined some of my neighbors who were sitting out on the sundeck enjoying a libation. The conversation turned to the pros and cons of wearing face masks and was surprised to hear one lady become downright adamant about wearing them. She wears one to protect me, she claimed, and suggested strongly that I wear one to protect her! The neighbor sitting next to me asked her how long she was going to do that, because every year it is going to be a new disease coming for us. Now that "they" know we are compliant, a face mask can become part of our every day wardrobe. I reminded the ladies that masks are worn everyday in Asia by many, primarily due to air pollution, and face coverings are mandated in many Muslim countries, ahem ahem. That amazing outburst is another reason I do not drink wine. No new normal for me!

Easter of 2020

We are in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic and therefore cannot attend live church services, nor could we have our outdoor Sunrise service at church. What could be done, however, is meet at the church to partake of the Lord's Supper in small groups. Terri and I arranged to meet at 8:00 a.m. with Mike S. Charles joined Terri which was awesome so the four of us communed together, missing the sleeping Justin. The Nardi's were there also, on the other side of the sanctuary. We saw folks leaving when we arrived, only two wearing face masks out of the dozen or so we saw, including one man undergoing cancer treatments. 

Justin's Easter basket done up in a decorative gourd lined with tissue paper 

The pastor had a brief devotion, went through confession and absolution, a couple of Bible readings, and then consecrated the elements for communion. Charles accidentally got one of the white grape juice individual cups, not realizing it until it was too late. I hope we can do this in a full service soon. Mike said, after church, that he told Pastor that the two things he is looking forward to when this is over will be having a live church service again, and having lunch with his friends. This made me cry! Our time together is so important.

Terri, Charles, Sue Bass, and me at church 

After some quick pictures, we went our separate ways. Frank and Sue were going in for communion. I returned home after stopping at the cemetery, empty handed, as I never gave it a thought to get a bouquet from the store. Normally I have one at church on Easter and take that over. No lilies, either. Justin said he saw them at Winn Dixie and should have grabbed one but his hands were full. It was a good thought anyway. Just after noon I went over to The Club to pick up our meals, pre-ordered during the week. Both of us got the prime rib which was yum. I ate mine right away but he ate his when he got up, before going to work. So very good. We got one extra chocolate bread pudding which was nice of them to do. I am a big fan of the dinner rolls they serve. 

Prime ribs, mashed potatoes, mac 'n cheese, and green beans on my picnic plates

I had a very nice day watching the various church services, including our own done in partnership with Victory Lutheran and live streamed. Also watched a concert performed by Andrea Bocelli from the duomo in Milan. At night I watched a service put on by our Synod, a blended worship service with guitars and piano. The sermon was good, presented by the President of the Seminary and the closing hymn was "Abide With Me" which was accompanied on the organ. That was my favorite part! "Hold thou thy cross before my closing eyes; shine through the gloom and point me to the skies. Heavens morning breaks and earth's vain shadows flee; in life, in death, O Lord, abide with me." Joyouse Resurrection Day everyone!

Justin made a fruit pizza for us to enjoy. Had this instead of hot cross buns 

this year. 

Excavating and Purging

Some recent posts and happenings have me pondering a few things. One of the posts is the "40 Day Lent Challenge" where a person is suggested to find something in their home every day for 40 days and place those items in a bag, to donate at the end of the period. My mind said that is not possible, I cannot let go of 40 items except when I clean out my closet. I have actually done that a couple of times, once not long ago.

Another person shared the knowledge of having had to pack out her parent's home and had two weeks to do so. She said she wishes she could serve as a consultant to others on what to keep and what to get rid of well before someone has to do this for us. I did tell her I'd be interested to hear what she has to say. 

Today a friend at church reported having to do basically the same thing for a family member this past weekend and how much stuff was not worthy of being kept. So much work and effort involved in closing out someone else's household, someone else's life collections. 

While my friend was here visiting, she told me about a photograph she has of herself and Timmy, seated on the front steps of our home. She said, "That is my joy picture." My, that touched my heart so deeply! We went on to discuss a movement circulating now of walking through your home and deciding what gives you joy and what not so much, and freeing your home of the no joy items. 

Earlier this year my sisters had the daunting task of closing out my mom's apartment where she'd lived for many years. Even though we'd discussed the 'who got what' and all that some time ago, it still became a struggle when it came down to the actual sorting and packing thereof. Even with plans in place, it still was a chore to actually do it. 

How does a person begin such a purging? What if something happened and I'd suddenly (or Justin would suddenly) have to clean out my house? What do you think you'd absolutely have to keep and of what could you freely be rid? Would those items be something your family or friends would love, or wish to keep, or are they meaningless to others? I believe that if I choose to participate in the 40 day challenge, I can catch up without violating the concept.