The tears flow without much provocation

I did not mark this one with "Warning" because I suspect most of the readers are already braced today. What was a clear and bright sun-filled sky has become foggy and slightly overcast. I hope that does not last long. And I also hope Justin is across the bridge already and not in the fog while he is driving.

*

Cindy was at church yesterday but after worship when we were hugging, I wanted to say something to her. She said, "Don't say anything!" We just smiled at each other, knowing each others minds and hearts so well, and left it unspoken. Last week she wrote such a lovely comment to a posting, telling about what the first weeks were like in her Sunday school class after Timmy died, how she let the kids ask questions and discuss what happened instead of following the curriculum. I suspect the kids learned a whole lot more those days and weeks than they will ever learn, more than they wanted to learn perhaps when their fellow member, another child, died so suddenly.

*

Kathy and I had a conversation yesterday about grief and the rules thereof, and I am quick to say there are no rules, just go with it! Her daughter, now engaged to be married in April, had lost her first fiance to an accident a few years ago. Kathy was telling me how people, many of the them her daughter's friends, would tell Kelly to "get over it", and "move on". This was only months or weeks after he had died and they said "Move on." What exactly were they saying to Kelly? Were they saying those words to benefit Kelly? From my observations, not so much. In fact, people, and in her case, young people, simply are too uncomfortable, unskilled, in dealing with matters such as these. Sorrow and grief and loss truly do interfere with the "life goes on" mentality our culture has, and folks don't want to let their guard down around others, appear weak or emotional. Folks, I tell you again, there is nothing wrong with showing your feelings and expressing your grief, whether in private or in public. Many folks avoid the subject, saying they did not want to "upset" me ( or Kelly), when in fact, often, it is the speaker not wanting to be upset or show their feelings. Let's just skip along as though nothing has happened, and that is so unfair to the one experiencing the loss. I may be different than others, but I am willing to bet, not all that different. Lesson over.*

Last night at dinner with Brenda and Jimmie, we talked about a few things that made us laugh about Timmy. I recalled the time Jimmie was sitting at the conference room table, the first time Timmy had seen him without a cap on his balding head. Timmy was sitting on his dad's lap and asked him, "What happened to Jimmie's head?" It was also Jimmie's birthday that day and as we waited for the gang to assemble around the table to sing for him, I asked Timmy what song we should sing for Jimmie's birthday, assuming it would be the standard birthday song. Oh no, Timmy wanted to sing "Old MacDonald Had a Farm"!

*

Jimmie recalled that Timmy referred to Brenda as being Jimmie's mama, which, for some reason, really tickled Jimmie's funny bone! We recalled how Timmy would dress himself in outlandish, mismatched outfits, pointing to the blue stripe in his shirt and the blue square on his plaid shorts and say, "See? Blue, blue!". As far as he was concerned, he had a match! One of our guys, Frank, used to ask, "Dress yourself today, Tim?", as it was obvious I had not picked the outfit. One of our members from church also worked for us in the office before leaving to be director of the preschool. One day, Rebecca brought in a bunch of suspenders and clip-on ties for Timmy because he loved them so much. On uniform day at school, Justin got to wear a dress shirt and tie, but Timmy had to wear his dress polo shirt----to which he clipped on a tie! I have that same shirt with a necktie attached in the memory box below his portrait in the hallway.

*

One year for CHRISTmas we (Santa) got Timmy a bike, but it came unassembled. Another of our guys, Michael, got the dubious job of putting our childs' present together. Well, even though Timmy did not know Michaal had assembled the bike, he always asked Mike to put the chain back on or make the proper adjustment when something wasn't right.

*

Another of our guys who used to work for us, Jim Hattaway, knew "Hurricane Hank" before he could even walk. In our old office, Jim would come in from the field and lift Timmy in his jump-up chair suspended in the doorway and would lift him wwaayy up with one hand, and let him drop. This brought great screams of delight from a previously bored infant. Jim only had so many of those in him though so the fun would soon stop. When Timmy learned to walk far too early, Jim's office and storage area was an easy mark for a little guy who loved to pull the covers off of boxes and strew the files around the room. That is why Jim, who never got mad, called him "Hurricane Hank". After Jim quit rather abruptly after a falling out with the boss, I didn't see or hear from him for a year. Finally he came back into my life and as I told my friends, "I can die now." I loved him and he loved me and my boys. At Timmy's funeral, Jim nearly passed out. It was hot, in January, and he had worn a white dress shirt with his suit, and the collar was so tight he could barely breathe. I told him he didn't have to wear that but he thought he should. The lady at the home inspection place where Jim then worked told me how hard Jim took the news about Timmy, and that she made dinner for him and hung out with him the first night, because he was so upset. I like knowing that about him, and about her.

*

I am thankful to have a full day ahead of me, starting with Bible class and lunch with the church ladies. A good place to be. Justin is coming over here after work to do some vacuuming for us, because he works for his room and board, too, if you recall. And then we are going to have dinner at Taste Tomatoes. We have to go sort of early so I am home again to attend the Board of Directors meeting this evening. We are having an attorney come to help explain the new condo laws and such, and their affect on us as an Association. I am hoping that doesn't mean more money but I am guessing it will. Ugh! Life goes on........maybe not "moving on" but going on.........