I am ruined, ruined this morning....

...and it's my own doing. I knew it was going to be this way but I did nothing to prevent it!

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It all started last evening, first attending "Bible Bites" class at 6:30 pm, seeing some folks again after several weeks of being away, which is lovely, of course. That flowed immediately into choir rehearsal, which I've missed greatly. We had a couple songs to practice, one for this Sunday, a rousing rendition of The Doxology including viola and piano refrains. Very nice, and not too difficult with only one rehearsal for me.

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But, then, pulling out the next piece, which we are singing Mother's Day with the preschool and Sunday school children--brace yourselves--"I Am Jesus' Little Lamb"!!! All I could say was, "You're killing me here, killing me!" I can imagine that some of you may released an audible "oh, no!" or something when you read that, knowing that we just sang that song at First German on Good Shepherd Sunday, when all in our pew wept. Can you believe it? First, "Jerusalem, the Golden", and now this! The first time through, we were sitting, and Kristi was in front of me. I just sort of lost it when singing the lines "and when my short life is ended...." and she reached back and held my hand. Our newest member, Kathy B., must think I'm a loon, boo hooing all the time....

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It got better the second time through, with that last verse, which is particularly touching to me, sung with the congregation. No one will even notice if I drop out. That is our finale for the season, and what a finish!

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The hymns we chose for Timmy's funeral were important, certainly not random selections, as they convey the message of faith, hope, trust, and the love our Savior has for us. I wouldn't change a one, but that doesn't make them any easier to sing now. Justin commented on the way home from the airport the other night that now would be the age when Timmy became "cool". Twelve is cool? Okay...if he thinks so. I guess what Justin was going for was he'd be leaving childhood and going into teenage years, starting confirmation class, and so on. Believe me, he's much, much better off in the Lord's arms than here on earth being cool, but my heart still hurts, you know?

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Oh, but wait, I'm not finished yet! I decided to not go back to work after getting home but instead turned on the TV in the family room. As soon as I did, the DVR reported it was full and that I needed to watch some of those shows first. Bossy little thing! Scanning the programs saved, I found several episodes of "NYPD Blue" to watch. My mistake...ended up watching four in rapid succession, spending the next four hours boo hooing again! These were some that I'd never seen before so it was all new to me.

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The first one has Bobbie and Diane married and expecting a baby. Suddenly she felt sick and went home, and Bobbie found her on the bed much later, sobbing, that she'd lost the baby. She kept apologizing to him for losing the baby, and was inconsolable. He didn't know what to do and she asked him to leave her by herself awhile. Bobbie had to go back to the squad and tell Andy that the baby was lost. Andy had a son, a recruit cop, that was killed in the line of duty recently so could identify.

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The next three covered the progression of a breathing problem Bobbie had been having, getting worse and worse. He'd been to the dentist and his gum was knicked a bit, plus later got cut with a knife making an arrest. They never did say exactly how these events played in, but he had an infection around his heart and he was gasping for every breath. Well, I was a goner myself by this time, seeing someone gasping for air just makes me think of.......

Bobbie did receive a heart transplant from a brain-dead cop, a dedicated donor, it was called. But, it didn't work and the rest of the last episode was him dying and his loved ones and partner standing by him. Andy leaned over and kissed Bobbie's forehead, promising that he'll take care of Diane for him. Oh, man....

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He sort of goes in and out, talking to his old mentor, a boxer named Patsy (no wonder he fought!), who supposedly was in heaven waiting for him. Toward the end Bobbie was talking with Patsy, who was sort of introducing him to others already there. Now, here's the clincher--Bobbie asks if he can see his son for a little while, and a little guy, about 5 years old and cute as a button, walks up and takes Bobbie's hand. Then the scene shows Bobbie in the hospital bed, smiling, and he tells Diane that he saw their little boy....Forget it, no sleep for me, not one single wink all night long. I can repeat everything that came on TV from when I went to bed to when my phone alarm went off at 6:45 a.m. My eyes look like heck, I feel like heck, and now I'm off to the dentist......I hope I don't get knicked!

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p.s. I remembered a bit later that after Bobbie received the last rites from the priest, he whispers that he loves God, loves Jesus....I love the witness, enough if no one else took heed. After all, it is only a TV show, but maybe, just maybe.....