Listening skills

This article was intriguing for me as I've been interested in this topic for some time. Observing people and their interaction, wondering what makes them 'tick' and so on is almost like a hobby. Being an artist (ahem, ahem) I find the art of conversation to be quite fascinating, either when I am giving, or receiving. 

Years ago when I first started to use e-mail, I was telling my sister, Lori, about how much I liked it. "Now I can dominate the conversation!" was my announcement. Her reply made me think: "Since when did THAT make any difference?" Yeah, she was right! Hopefully I have learned since then to refine my conversation skills and am doing better in the give 'n take parts of life. 

I see this often on Facebook when someone writes as their status update about the weather, how they are enjoying the day, buying groceries, or whatever else is going on in their lives. Inevitably someone is going to jump in with THEIR current temp or what they are experiencing. That was NOT the subject---wait to be asked about your weather or post your own updates! It's not a contest, folks---just let people tell their stories!

This came up again in my life about two weeks ago when a new lady joined our water exercise classes. One of our long-time participants had just returned from a trip to France and said, "Kim, don't get out yet, I want to tell you about my trip!" The new lady was also still in the pool near us and before long, inserted herself and HER travel experiences into Joy's story. 

Wow, it was hard for me to not say something but that would be even more rude than the new lady was being. In order to steer it back (there I go again---controlling the conversation!), I would ask Joy a question to get the story back to being hers again. How often do we do that?---hear someone else tell about something and then want to jump in with our story? Even though I've been to France, that was NOT what Joy wanted to tell me. There is a difference between hearing and listening, and between talking and saying something!

This article is directed to parents and children, but it applies to all people, I believe. Let me know what you think:

"I come from a family of talkers. Gather our crew in a room, and there’s no chance of an awkward silence falling. That’s a good thing. The bad part? We’re also a family of WORLD CLASS interrupters. If you want to finish your thought, you’d better spit it out fast and get a little loud at the end for insurance because somebody is sure to be responding before you’re even done.

That’s because we lack some serious listening skills. My people tend to listen specifically to formulate a response, rather than to understand what’s being said. And as soon as that response comes together in our brains we get so excited, we have to blurt it out. Immediately.

Kids—fairly or unfairly—often accuse their parents of simply not listening. It’s true that if you’re preparing to give the parental response the entire time your child is trying to explain her feelings, you’re going to miss some important things. So what does listening to understand your child look like?

Maintain eye contact and don’t multitask.

We parents (especially moms) are notorious multi-taskers. But when your child is trying to ask a question, or explain something to you, put down the phone or that stack of bills, look them in the eye, and focus on them alone. It communicates to your child that their thoughts and needs are important enough to merit your full attention. It also models for your child the good communication skills they need to acquire.

Wait for a pause and ask clarifying questions. One way to improve communication of any type is to clarify unclear ideas or feelings as you go. Wait for a natural pause in conversation and ask questions about details that aren’t clear. If you think you understand, bounce it back to them in the form of, “Okay, so what you’re telling me is…Am I right?”This way, misconceptions can be cleared up before they derail the conversation.

Express empathy for their concerns.

Even if you’re not able to give your child what he or she ultimately desires, expressing an understanding and an empathy for their feelings let’s them know that they have been heard. It might sound like, “I understand that it’s frustrating to you to have to babysit your younger siblings when you’d rather spend time with your friends. I remember how important time with friends was to me when I was your age. But, we all have to pitch in to make our family work and this is an important contribution we need from you right now.”

Don’t set the stage for conflict.

Even in conversations where you know you may have to enforce boundaries or impose discipline, set the tone as one of “Let’s fix what’s broken here”rather than one that feels like “Me vs. You.”And even when the basic facts are clear (for example: you know she broke the rule and that consequences are in order), let your child talk. While it won’t change the thing that needs to happen here and now, it may reveal something about why the problem occurred and enlighten you on how to parent going forward to lead her toward better choices. There’s always something to be learned on both ends."

Dana Hall McCain